Energetic Boundaries and Empaths

Boundaries are, simply put, the edges of a territory, object, or space. Some boundaries are clear – like the boundary of your skin that separates your body and the world around you. And some boundaries are less clear – like the boundaries of personal space. Energetic boundaries may be less clear, but are extremely real and personal.

Empaths are individuals who intensely feel the energies around them. They are the ones who walk into a room and can sense the mood of everyone there. Frequently, empaths wind up adopting the mood of the room or match the energy of another person they are engaging with. If their friend is having a bad day and they help talk their friend through it, they may find themselves afterward feeling run down or wind up having a bad day themselves.

While being able to read a room or empathize with our friends is a very useful skill, the cost of taking on and adopting other's energy can be detrimental to one’s mental health. Being so sensitive to the energy of others can leave you feeling drained can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like finding comfort in a bottle or pint of ice cream. Spending so much time enmeshed in other’s feelings may lead to a loss of self because it’s hard to determine how you genuinely feel.

I remember just before I left my husband, my sister was asking me how I was. I kept telling her how my husband was and all the emotional problems he was having. She wound up getting really frustrated because no matter how much she asked about me, I could only tell her about him. I had become so enmeshed in his life that I no longer existed independent of him. In our relationship, our dynamic was such that his big feelings were always more important than my own and I could no longer access how I actually felt.

Often empaths come from families with a history of addiction, abuse, or neglect. As a self-preservation strategy, an empath learns to “read the room” quickly in order to alert themselves to any potential danger. Unfortunately, in these home environments, there tend to be few emotional boundaries and often co-dependency. Too many times, children adopt the roles of the parent – either to siblings or to their parents. They learn not to care for themselves, but to care for others instead. Frequently, this includes giving away one's energy to others in an attempt to make them feel better.

In order to begin to set energetic boundaries, one first must realize where you end and others begin. For an empath, who never learned this simple concept as a child, or for someone emerging from a long-term toxic relationship, the task of shifting your energy to be more self-preserving may feel overwhelming. Will you be able to keep your friends? Will people still like you? Will your family get mad at you? If you are in an unhealthy, co-dependent, or one-sided relationship with friends and family, then yes, they may react negatively to you changing the script or not feeding them your energy. And that’s okay. All relationships shift over time. Consider this just one of those shifts. And if someone really freaks out, maybe they aren’t the best person to have around.

Energetic Cords

Cords are energetic connections between two individuals. I like to think of relationships forming by cords of energy being tossed back and forth until a communication pathway emerges. For good friends, this pathway is healthy and energy can flow both ways. However, in a toxic relationship, this pathway is heavy, and acts as an energetic drain going one way. Family automatically has a primary cord from the moment of your birth. So a narcissistic mother who demands attention from her child, can use the cord created at birth to deplete the energy resources of that child. This is also called emotional vampirism.

The first thing to do to cut an energetic cord is to really look honestly at what you get from the relationship. If it does have some positive aspects to it, then maybe you can shift the types of energy you allow to come through and be sent from the cord. But if the flow of energy is all one way and draining you, then you will want to cut the cord. Be aware that if the energetic supply is removed, the person on the other end may lash out or disappear from your life.

Exercise to Cut Energetic Cords

To cut a cord, go into a meditative state, relax and envision the individual in front of you (if it feels safe to do so). Then envision what the cord between you looks like. Where does it connect on your body? What color is it? What is the thickness and texture? Is it thick and gnarled like tree roots, or thin and flexible like cooked spaghetti? Really observe and just be curious about it. Have a relaxed mind. Let whatever information comes to you naturally arise.

When you are ready, imagine cutting the cord. You can use scissors, a knife, an axe – whatever you want to use to sever the cord. Once cut, imagine the person floating away from you. Now you will want to clear away the remaining bits of cord and heal the place where it was to prevent that individual (or someone with a similar energy) from latching on. Envision the remaining cord shriveling up and falling off, like an umbilical cord. Place your hands on the area of your body and visualize a white light entering the spot and clearing away any negativity or energetic residue. Continue until the area feels clean and clear.

NOTE: If you have trouble with visualization, try looking at a picture of the individual while feeling any sensations in your body of where the cord might be. To cut the cord, cut the air around where you feel the cord with a physical pair of scissors or other sharp object (be very careful!!). To heal the area after, take a hot water bottle or heating pad and place it over the area. Close your eyes and feel the warmth enter your body as positivity or good vibes.

The Auric Field

The auric field is the energetic space around your body. Everyone has a different amount of space around them that feels safe for others to enter. Imagine the space you keep between yourself and a stranger, versus a child in your family. This is because your auric field is sensitive to the energy of others. All living beings give off energy by their nature of being alive. Energy always originates from a neutral place and is then charged with whatever it encounters. If you are joyful or sad, then the energy surrounding you will have the same flavor.

Let’s say you walk into a room where people have been fighting and you can feel that tension in the air. If your energetic boundaries are strong and firm, the tension will roll off because it has nothing to latch onto. You will be able to be curious about the situation in the room and determine logically if you need to address anything or let it be. You are able to keep yourself separate from the energy in the room and so can engage with it in a constructive way.

However, if your energetic boundaries are permeable, then you will unwittingly absorb that angry energy and instinctively adopt your habitual patterns related to anger. If you were a peacekeeper in your family, you may react by trying to distract everyone in the room or make jokes to lighten the mood. The point is that because you have absorbed the energy, you now feel responsible for the anger and feel compelled to fix it. The energy has latched onto you and your ability to remain present or neutral has been compromised.

Being sensitive to the world around you is an incredibly special and useful skill, however, taking other people’s energy into your auric field can be harmful to you. Not only can it trigger you into adopting habitual patterns that may not be appropriate for the situation, but you also make yourself more vulnerable to abusers like con artists, narcissists, and energy vampires.

Because of a lack of energetic boundaries, empaths tend to feel energy by smashing into it rather than lightly touching it. Or another way to view it, it’s the difference between looking to tell if a window is broken versus rolling around on the floor in the glass shards to tell the same thing.

Exercise to Protect your Auric Field

Creating energetic boundaries within your auric field after a lifetime without them requires a lot of patience, perseverance, and self-compassion. To work on your auric field, go into a meditative state and visualize a bubble made of light surrounding you. The distance should be about 2-4 feet around you. This bubble can be whatever color feels like a comforting and protective color for you. Imagine you are safe inside the bubble. Consider what happens when energies from outside of yourself come into contact with your bubble. Do they bounce off, shatter, or come right in? What kinds of energies do you let into your bubble? What kinds of energies do you keep out of your bubble?

This practice should be a simple and sweet daily practice to build up over time something that you never had. Every day sit for a few minutes in meditation to re-create and sit inside this bubble. Before going into emotionally charged situations, imagine the protective bubble surrounding you to help keep your emotions with you and others emotions with them.

NOTE: If you have trouble with this visualization, try sitting under a sheet to create a literal bubble around you. Continue thinking of what you will let in, let out, and how the bubble can protect you.

Good luck and stay safe!