Undermining Ego: Needs vs. Wants

One of the most difficult things in our highly consumeristic society is determining the difference between something that we need versus something that we want. 

Needs are essential for healthy survival. According to Maslov’s hierarchy of needs, we need shelter, food, water, and physical safety. These needs are for our physical well-being. Once those needs are met, we need to feel love and a sense of belonging. This is for our emotional well-being. Once those needs are met, we ultimately want to feel respected and that what we do matters. This is for our spiritual well-being. 

Wants, however, are a bit more complicated and tend to get confused in determining our emotional well-being. One could argue that wants are supplemental to needs. They aren’t essential to our survival, but might support what we need. For example, we need a way to get from our home to work. Based on our personal situation, we decide that, due to lack of public transportation in our area, we need to have a car. However, getting a Toyota versus a Mazda is based on wants. 

The Confusion of Getting What You Want

Something happens in our brain when we shift from a need to a want. Needs are simple. We need water to survive. Wanting, however, opens up the door for a myriad of complicated feelings; desire, longing, revulsion, lust, shame, superiority, inferiority, self-hatred, deprivation, hope, and

fear… etc. While we may need water to survive, we want that expensive glass water bottle with the crystal infusion to carry it in. 

The rush of dopamine from getting something new is confused for true happiness. And so we find ourselves constantly wanting more of whatever gives us the greatest rush - clothing, food, alcohol, electronics, sex, beauty treatments, etc. We want any “thing” that makes us feel liked, admired, accepted, or part of the cool kid group for the hot minute that the “thing” is socially desirable. This is how we confuse wanting with the emotional well-being of Maslov’s hierarchy of needs. By letting the “things” in our life define who we are and our societal value, we hide our true selves behind our stuff and devalue who we actually are. 

The Confusion of Not Getting What You Want

But what happens when you don’t get what you want? Typically, we feel upset. We WANT the “thing” and if we don’t get it, then we feel we are being punished. If we don’t get it, we won’t be accepted by our friends. If we don’t get it, we won’t be able to love ourselves. If we don’t get it, we won’t be able to live the fantasy life we were told from a young age that we deserve… 

But who is actually the one feeling upset? Who is making you feel punished? We all have a voice inside us that sounds quite a bit like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (“But I want an Oompa-Loompa!”). This voice is actually an aspect of our ego. 

The job of the ego is to avoid suffering at all costs. This is the voice that tells us we should want something in the first place. This thing will make us happy. Then that voice applies pressure. It says

that if we want it and we don’t get it, we will be unhappy. Longing to avoid being unhappy, we push harder to have the thing we are told will make us happy.

The rush of dopamine from getting what we want keeps us coming back again and again on this cycle. Interestingly, however, if we don’t get what we want and we feel upset enough to cry, then our body releases endorphins, which makes us feel better enough to try again or move on. If we don’t get what we want and become angry about it, we get a rush of adrenaline. Big feelings release mood-altering hormones in the body.

This means that, regardless of the outcome, the cycle of wanting gives you the reward of dopamine, endorphins or adrenaline. Maybe all the drama of the cycle of wanting is less about the stuff and really more about the feeling you get from the cycle. 

Getting Free from the Cycle of Consumerism

If realizing how hooked you are makes you feel bad about yourself, relax. Our society is built on consumerism and the illusion that stuff will make you happy.  We really can’t live in modern society and escape it. Marketing and advertising is an entire industry designed to feed our ego by telling us all about the things we should want and push us toward getting it. Once we get it, they then tell us about the next new thing we should have before the previous dopamine rush has even fully faded.

Everywhere we look, advertisements surround us. Targeted ads are on every screen we engage with, along the roads where we drive, and on the clothing of folks walking down the street. Additionally, the ease of purchasing goods is as simple as a tap or swipe, preventing any

obstacle between you and the thing you want. This allows for impulse decisions to be made without thinking through the larger consequences of our actions. Impulsivity allows us to get what we want immediately, which then lowers our patience. Despite being constantly innundated, know that you can make a choice to step off the ride. Training yourself to determine what is a NEED versus a WANT is the first step. This, of course, like most activities that improve your life, takes time and practice. 

First, identify that you are pulled into the consumerism cycle of wanting whatever it is you are told to want. Be smarter than your ego - see the ads for what they are and don’t fall for them. Second, pause to evaluate the situation. Ask yourself consciously if it is something you actually want or is it just because it looks good in the ad or on your friend. You can actually appreciate the beauty or value of something without wanting it for yourself. When you take a moment to pause and check in with your heart and higher self, you can create the space to ask yourself if this is something you WANT or something you NEED. 

How to Determine a Want vs. a Need:

Beyond the thing being something you need for your survival, how can you determine a WANT vs. a NEED? Here’s a checklist for when you are feeling that you want something:

1. Determine if this is something actually necessary for your life. Is it required for the activity? For example, comfortable clothing is necessary for doing yoga, however, buying Lululemon is a want because you may only want it to fit in with the crowd or to show off your status. If you already have something that works well for your life, then you don’t have to “upgrade” anything. This is why I’ve never bought a Vitamix, even though I’ve been told for years I should get one. My little power blender actually does everything I need! 

2. Assess the level of urgency you feel. Ask yourself if you can wait a week to have it. Then at the end of the week, if you still really want it, go for it. However, if the urgency is no longer there, then you didn’t really want it and were just swept up in the moment. I do this with my son. I’ll put something he desperately wants in my Amazon or Target cart and tell him we have to wait until my next payday. If he asks about it consistently during the week, then I know it is something he really wants. If he forgets about it, then I take it out of my cart.

3. Plan out your sales shopping. Stores and online retailers help further create a sense of urgency by offering immediate discounts or having sales that focus on getting it now before it runs out. This scarcity logic is a manipulation tactic. Don’t fall for it. You already know when the big sales happen - Black Friday, President’s Day, Labor Day, etc. so hold up and wait. For example, I know that around Memorial Day, Old Navy has a sale where everything is 50% off.  I wait, set a budget, and go shopping for my kiddo then. 

4. Consider that delayed gratification may be the bigger reward. We know that big feelings (excitement, sadness, anger) release hormones. So rather than going for the low-hanging dopamine fruit of buying a new cute outfit before a big work presentation, try wearing something you’ve already got and focus that time and energy on preparing for the meeting. Praise from your boss and coworkers for your hard work and a job well done, may actually give you a bigger “high” than buying that new outfit. 

5. Have solid mid or long-term goals that improve your life. For example, saving up for a vacation can help provide motivation to not spend impulsively. Visualizing yourself on a beach in the Bahamas may just be enough to stop you from unnecessarily buying a new book you’ll never read or age-defying moisturizer (even if its on sale!)

I hope this is helpful for folks as our country moves through a new phase of consumerism with tariffs, rising unemployment, and inflation driving up the cost of everything. It’s important to remember that we can step off the cycle at any point and re-evaluate our priorities. Whether our priorities in shopping are to take care of our family, lessen our impact on the planet, support local business, or another reason, you can remember that where and when you spend your dollars can make a difference.